Not Getting Enough Sex? a Love Note for a Sexually Stifled and Intoxicated Society.

Not getting enough sex, my friend?

Welcome…join the not-getting-enough-sex club. There are many of us here!

I know a lot of people who aren’t having as much sex as they wish they were having. And I know relatively few people who are having plenty of beautiful sex.

I know this because people like to confide in me about their personal lives. It’s a privilege of being me that I see more as a responsibility, so that I can share information that speaks to these the most intimate of human challenges.

Let me start by speaking first hand. I have been wildly sexually frustrated many times over the last several years since I experienced a sexual awakening. All of a sudden I was hit by a tidal wave of life-force energy. I had so much sexual energy running through me and no sexual playmate – a recipe for sexual frustration.

Prior to that, I was in a relationship with a very sexy man, and yet, I was sexually stifled. So either way, I wasn’t having enough sex.

I would still like to have more sex than I do.

I’m single. I’m highly sexual. I’m also very sensitive emotionally and energetically. I live in remote places and small towns. Not to mention that I still have a lot of unhealthy conditioning around sexuality to unwind. All of that amounts to a tricky combination for experiencing plenty of sex.

And this is why I’m writing you. This topic matters.

Any lightness aside, not having enough sex causes people to leave spouses they love, leads to heart-breaking lies, cheating and betrayals, perverts leadership and causes sexual abuse.

Sex is a powerful energy. When it doesn’t have an outlet, where else can it go but sideways?

Recently I shared a new model on Love, Sex and Genius that I’m really passionate about. It stirred up some questions and I want to clarify what I mean by the Sex part. In case you missed it, the model looks like this:

Last week I showed this model to a friend of mine over breakfast. He commented, “The thing that I don’t get is the Sex part. The other two circles, love and genius, I see that I can easily do something about getting into the flow with but sex is out of my hands. I’m single. I can’t control how much sex I get.”

He has a valid point. When it comes to the act of sexual exchange with another person, we’re not in control. The conditions have to be right.

There are so many factors that need to come together in order to have satisfying sexual exchanges with another.

And yet, here we are, one big sexy species milling about with everyday lives and plenty of time. Now what?

So this warrants clarification about what I mean by being in the flow when it comes to sex and sexuality. Let me start by sharing my definition of being in the flow sexually:

My short definition is: The ability to express sensual aliveness through acts of communion with yourself, others and all of life.

A longer elaboration of what I mean is:

You are embodying yourself as a sexual/sensual being moving about in your daily life.

You are connecting with the energy of sex, and have satisfying outlets for this energy to flow.

You feel sexy.

You spend time communing in the realm of the senses, being present and sensual.

You have examined your sexual past and familial, societal heritage around sex and begun the process of de-conditioning so that you experience liberty in the realm of your sexual behaviours.

You are natural, free and uninhibited sexually.

A better word than Sex might be Sensuality because it speaks to the part that we can control. We can control how much time we spend in communion with our senses. We can get out of our heads and into our sensuality.

But I chose the word Sex because I see that there is so much conditioning to unpack around this word that, left untouched, would keep us from ever becoming as sensual as we naturally are. Also, it’s a more provocative word and I want to shake things up. ; )

Our ideas about sex keep us from being sensual. Or even more accurately…our early imprinting about sex that we picked up from our parents, our church, our school, and later on our first experiences, all inhibit this most natural flow of our sensuality, our creative power.

I’m not pretending that I have any of this figured out. I’m not a sex expert by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a person who experienced an inflow of sexual energy that resulted in a few years of de-conditioning around sex and sensuality.

I’ve learned a few things. I have my point of view. And I feel that I am in tune with myself, actively exploring, learning, in-the-flow and releasing my sexual conditioning.

So if you’re not having as much sex as you would like, if you feel stifled in the realm of sexuality, here are my Top 3 Get-in-the-Flow-Sexually Tips:

GET-IN-THE-FLOW-SEXUALLY TIP #1 – COMMUNE SENSUALLY EVERYDAY MANY TIMES

To get in the flow sexually, you literally need to get into the flow. This means that you get the energy flowing in your body, through your senses and experience this sensual aliveness physically.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about just think about your most recent orgasm…you were in the flow then, sensually, in your body.

Take that same idea and you can apply it in a myriad of ways. Here are some examples:

Example 1: A Walk in the Woods

When I walk in the woods near the orchard where I live part-time in Central Mexico, I walk slowly. I feel myself there. I am breathing. I’m not thinking. I’m looking at the trees. I’m following my senses…they direct me where to go, which path and at what pace.

I might lie down on the ground and breathe for awhile.

You can walk through the woods in sensual communion with yourself and the woods. OR you can just walk through the woods. One will get you in the flow sexually, the other won’t.

Example 2: Enjoy Sexual Communion with Self and/or Others

Getting into the flow of sex could be as simple as having sex! If you have a partner, please “aprovechar” (one of my favourite Spanish words that means…take advantage of, enjoy, make the most of)! Consider yourself lucky!

If you have a partner and the two of you aren’t really in the flow with having beautiful sex right now, then have the courage to inquire into that honestly. Beautiful, communing sex happens when there is an alignment between two beings, a resonance.

If you and your partner aren’t naturally wanting to commune then chances are there is something out of alignment that needs some attention.

This is a great time for you to inquire into that honestly. What’s out of alignment for you? For them? Honesty is the sexiest elixir and works wonders in any relationship.

If you don’t have a partner to play with right now, by all means, pleasure yourself. Take time to do this as much as feels good for you. If you don’t feel like pleasuring yourself, then that is also a good place for further inquiry.

Example 3: Commune Sensually Every Time You Bathe

We all bathe. Most of us, every day. My bathing ritual is one of my most intimate and self-connected times of the day. Water is so healing, so sensual, so flowing, so natural….soooooo good! Don’t take it for granted.

My 3 Favourite Suggestions for Sensual Bathing:

1) Carve out the time. The secret here is to sllloooowww down. Sensuality requires presence. Presence evaporates under time-pressure. Presence doesn’t want to be rushed. Presence needs time.

2) Create a Sensual Space. My personal favourite is to enjoy an outdoor shower and then lie naked in the sun. That’s the best-case scenario. More realistically, you can create a Sensual Space by turning down the lights, lighting candles, serenading yourself with unbelievably beautiful and relaxing music (favourite songs are: Kothbiro by Ayub Ogada and Devi Prayer by Craig Pruess and Ananda) and infusing the air with essential oils.

3) Self-massage with Coconut Oil You can greatly enhance your bathing experience by taking 10-20 minutes after your shower or bath to massage yourself with coconut oil (add essential oils if you want to go gourmet). Place a towel on the floor and lie down. Apply the oil slowly and massage every part of your body. Use plenty of oil.

Lie on the floor for 10 minutes or more while you listen to the music or enjoy a guided meditation, focus on your breathing and let the oil soak into your skin. It’s a beautiful thing.

And as outlined in the Love, Sex, Genius model above, communion leads into creativity. My bathing time is where I receive the most illumined inspiration. My time spent in Communion directly relates to my Creativity. One leads to the other, quite naturally.

Example 4: Commune Sensually through your Movement Practice

Recently a friend commented on how fit my body is. He seemed to be fascinated by my routine and how often I did yoga, what kind of yoga I practiced and was impressed by my discipline for doing it close to daily.

His thought process reminded me of my old fitness and exercise paradigm, in which I considered movement as a necessary exercise to be healthy and look good. I shared with him that I no longer ‘exercise’ for a certain result, but rather, I enjoy movement for the experience of flow. I do what feels good PERIOD.

Our sexual encounters are flowing movement experiences.

So, why not use your daily movement practice as an opportunity to flow your energy through your body sensually?

All that is required is that you experience your senses, breathe and be fully present (sometimes requiring you to slow things down a little bit so that you can track the sensations).

As I like to say in my yoga classes: “Experiencing your senses is sensual.” When you move and fully track your sensations as you’re moving, you not only increase your body intelligence, but you awaken your sexual/sensual self.

As you experience this type of present, sensual movement, you’ll find your relationship to your body shifts. You are better at ‘being’ and you feel more alive.

My personal favourite?

I recommend dancing in nature. Buy yourself a portable speaker, make an awesome playlist and then go dance outside. I dance on the beach and in the forest regularly. It’s my medicine. It feels so good and is the BEST way that I get into the flow sensually. It’s an aliveness elixir.

I credit this practice with helping me feel more alive, more natural, more beautiful, happier and in the flow…all of which are very attractive attributes. Go for it!

One final note on Tip #1: Commune Sensually Every Day Many Times

Of all the realms, Love, Sex, and Genius, I think the realm of Sex is the one most stifled by the rigidity of our schedules, and the unnatural routines that most of us keep.

If our bodies had their way, our schedules would be leaner, leaving far more time for sensual communion. Productivity might slow, but the fruits of our labour would be juicy and essential, full of life.

Which begs the question…why are we going along with these rigid, unnatural lives in the first place?There are many societies out there in which much more time is spent in sensual communion. I think at least part of the answer has to do with conditioning about sex. Which leads me to Get-in-the-Flow Tip #2:

GET-IN-THE-FLOW-SEXUALLY TIP #2: DE-CONDITION YOUR SEXUALITY

“The unexamined Sexuality is not worth experiencing” – Karen McMullen inspired by Socrates

We live in a society that is both sexually rigid and intoxicated, both suppressed and excessive, both stifled and abusive. Our sexuality as a society is simply put: f@!$ed up!

Without some deliberate focus on de-conditioning ourselves in this realm, what chance do we stand of having a healthy, flowing relationship to the most natural and intimate aspect of ourselves – our sexuality?

The answer: very little.

We don’t stand a chance of healthy sexuality if we simply work within our inherited scripts.

Many of us were sexually abused or had parents or grandparents that were abused. Our parents were told that sex is sinful. They were sexually repressed and frustrated. So were their parents.

Our sexual energy and sexual expressions have been stifled, abused, raped, girdled etc for centuries. This is our context. And this will be our legacy if we don’t do something differently.

Consider yourself pickled in the brine of suppression, abuses and shame…now what?

It’s time to examine your assumptions about sex/sexuality. There’s some inner investigation to do. The truths you discover will liberate your flow of sexual power.

The most sexually alive time of my life has been the last 2 years, most of which I spent living in isolation like a monk. My spiritual teacher suggested I make a list of all of the sexual experiences I had ever had that made an impression on me. It took me 4 days to write the list. I scraped the barrel of every single memory from my life as a sexual being.

Then, he had me work through every single memory, and apply a specific technique to taking the charge out of that memory until there was no attachment to it. I worked on each memory until it became neutral.

In the process I found that the memory would often reveal an insight to me about the truth of that situation. I began to see sex and sexuality more clearly. It took me one month of focused attention to work through each item on the list, one-by-one.

But that was only the beginning. The real work began when the things I couldn’t remember began to make themselves known. Hidden in the realm of my unconscious were deep and buried imprints of sexual darkness and distortion. And these were only shown to me through my experiences of intimacy in real-life, with real-people.

Inner work only took me so far. As I began dating and having more sexual interactions I came face-to-face with my conditioning. My behaviours in intimate moments and the behaviours I attract from others have shown me so much about my own sexual programming.

At times it has been uncomfortable, confusing, awkward, and even excruciatingly painful. But that’s what conditioning is…it’s a lie. And lies are painful; more painful than we realize.

The process of de-conditioning is really about becoming disillusioned with assumptions about sex that we previously held as true and then grow to see are false. This process of disillusionment has an in-built discomfort. It means letting go of an old world that seems somehow safe and familiar, however distorted it may be.

There’s a lot to unpack. But as a result of this de-conditioning work we become free to express our natural innate sensuality. It’s liberating. It’s worthwhile. And I hope for the sake of future generations that more people take it upon themselves to do this difficult, liberating, worthwhile work.

Being in the Flow Sexually Doesn’t Mean You’ll Have as Much Sex As you Want : /

Most of our sexual drive exists in the mind. The mind loves to think and obsess about sex. It fantasizes. It longs. It devises plans about how to get more. Being in the flow sexually doesn’t mean that you’ll have epic amounts of great sex (although I’m certain that’s in the cards for some of us!) It does mean that you’re operating from your full sensual aliveness in everyday life.

As humans we are highly sexual/sensual beings and yet that sexy dance of two coming together only takes place as often as it does, naturally. That’s it. We may want more sex than what life is presenting us, but ultimately, the amount of sex we’re getting is probably the right amount (unless there’s an unnatural conditioned barrier that’s keeping us from being in the flow).

For me, I’ve come to understand that being single and also spending quite a bit of time alone is a part of my life path right now. If I were in a relationship, I would be having more sex, but that’s not what life authentically has in store for me at this time.

Wanting more sex wastes my life-force. Instead I’m better off spending my life-force in the flow, experiencing my sensuality daily in numerous ways and also having the occasional adventure when opportunity arises ; )

GET-IN-THE-FLOW-SEXUALLY TIP #3: BE OPEN TO INTIMACY

As my friend pointed out over breakfast, we may not be in control over how much sex we get to have with others but we are in control of how open we are to it. And herein lies the gift of tip #3:

In order to be in the flow in the realm of sex, we must be open and available for intimate acts of communion with self, others and all of life.

Nothing has such a dramatic, transformative impact as intimate communion with another.

As I shared, I’ve learned more in my own personal de-conditioning process from having real-life encounters with other hot-blooded humans than I have from sitting alone on the mountain-side.

And in order to have these life-changing interactions, we have to be open. We have to take the risk of being vulnerable and connecting.

We won’t de-condition sex without learning how to be intimate and sensual in a real-life human-to-human way. We must do the inner work and then discover the effect of our inner work in the outer world.

What happens in real-life is the litmus test of de-conditioning.

For example, if you’re unwinding a past of sexual abuse, you will know you’ve done your inner work when you start having safe and loving encounters instead of abusive ones that mimic old patterning. If we are still operating from unnatural limitation our human-to-human encounters will show us.

Being open to intimacy means we open ourselves to moments of communion not only with our sexual partner, if we have one, but with ourselves, others and all of life. We open to experience intimacy in our everyday lives, during everyday moments with everyday people, places and things.

I’ve begun to see all of my interactions in this way. When I interact with a person, at a deeper level I am curious “hmmmm…who is this person? What is their energy? How can I commune with them?”

This is like entering into a dance. In some cases, you won’t want to dance with another. In other cases, they won’t want to dance with you. But when you’re available for a dance of intimacy the most amazing things can happen.

In my view, too many people limit the expression of their sexuality and intimacy to sharing with one person in one context: the bedroom. There are opportunities to flirt with life and enter into an intimate dance with so many people throughout the day, in a perfectly loving, respectful and boundaried way.

I’m talking about the magic of connecting, truly connecting, with people, places and things as you encounter them.

You can be intimate with a flower, with the floor, with the grocery store clerk, with your lover. You can be open to an intimate, touching moment with a friend. You can be open to a spontaneous hug or touch of the hand with a stranger.

You can be open to intimacy. And the places where you are closed will show you your conditioning.

IN CLOSING…

We are the grandchildren of sexual sin, misogyny, power-plays, abuse, frigidity, inhibition and shame. This is our sexual inheritance.

This conditioning is holding hostage our most natural and innate power; a power that links directly to our capacity to love and to express our unique Genius in the world.

When we liberate ourselves in the realm of sexuality, we liberate our creative, loving life-force. We become alive and on-fire. We can’t help but over-flow into creative, loving contribution.

So, you may not be having enough sex right now, my friend. And that’s ok. There’s plenty you can do about it. And every step you take to liberate your sexuality is a contribution to all of life. Thank you.

Now, please go be sexy!

“The church says: The body is a sin. Science says: The body is a machine. Advertising says: The body is a business. The body says: I am a fiesta.”

-Eduardo Galeano

I help Type A Hippies to get into flow in all three realms of Love, Sex and Genius.