I was so disenchanted.
I was so dissatisfied.
And I had no idea why…
I was at the height of my business ‘success’. My sales were the highest they’d ever been, my systems were dialed, I had plenty of free-time and a lovely romantic relationship. But I felt dull and dead.
Worse, I was living in my zone of Genius…doing work I loved.
I’d accomplished everything I wanted. And I was still dissatisfied. WTF?
All I wanted to do was lie on the couch, binge-watch Downton Abbey and drink wine. I knew something was off…but didn’t know what.
I thought that maybe it was because my business hadn’t made it really big yet. “Maybe becoming better-known and having a multi-million dollar business would change things?” I thought.
But then, I started hanging out with multi-million dollar business owners in my industry. And it was easy to see that they had it too. The dissatisfaction. The stress. The burn-out.
Knowing what I know now, I see clearly that I wasn’t in flow in the realm of Sex/Sensuality. I was also filled up to the brim with conditioning in all three realms of love, sex and genius. No amount of outward achievement would help me. Despite having everything I wanted on the outside, I didn’t feel alive.
None of my ‘success’ mattered.
All successful people, if they are sober and honest, know this.
They know that success is BS. Other than making you more comfortable, it provides very little, very temporary, satisfaction.
Successful people realize that there has to be more to life than the luxuries of accomplishment. They itch for something bigger, something meaningful, something real.
If they’re lucky they find that something bigger. If they’re not, they settle for living a life of busy-ness, accomplishment, luxuries and diversion.
And that’s why I dropped everything and set out to get to the bottom of things.
I didn’t want to be a dissatisfied, distracted, anesthetized, busy-person. I didn’t want to be a BS leader secretly full of tensions. I didn’t want pretense.
I wanted to find and to live something real,
something true, something free.
I told Life that I would go wherever it wanted to take me. I would do my part if Life would show me a better way.
And this is what I found:
There was a flow inherent in Life that had an agenda for me.
It wanted to flow through me in all realms of my life.
When I listened to the Flow’s cues, my life became less complicated, more meaningful and alive. When I ignored it and resisted it, I experienced excess and stagnation of my energy. I felt like crap.
Ok, so that’s the existential version of what happened. Here’s how it played out in real life…
Here’s the story in 13 bullet points:
I was raised a city-girl. I grew up in Toronto.
I lived the first 18 years of my life in a big city, Toronto, Canada. I found my high school suffocating. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, so I busted my butt and graduated high-school early and traveled across Canada to work on the ski-hills in Banff, rocky mountains. Remaining friends from high school = Zero. I no longer live in cities.
My dad was a grocer. My mom a coach and artist.
My Dad owned a successful grocery store in an upscale neighbourhood. My Mom is an artist and was a coach back in the 90s when no one knew what a coach was. She has studied almost every personal development system that exists. I grew up versed in the language of the Enneagram, NLP, Emotional Freedom Technique, Myers Briggs, numberology etc. I get my creativity and people smarts from her. I get my business sense from him.
I have a master’s degree in international Trade Policy
I was one of Canada’s top students, receiving $30,000 in awards during my Master’s Degree. I studied International Trade Policy. Basically, I was really smart but had no idea what to do about it.
My degree in International development lead me to my own back-yard.
My undergraduate degree is in International Development Studies and Spanish. I did three exchanges during my degree. I lived in Cuba where I learned about propaganda, waiting in lines, salsa and mojitos. I lived in Mexico where I felt instantly at home. And I went to Malawi in central Africa. Malawi is one of the world’s most economically poor countries. There I learned what gender inequality really looks like. It was so painful to witness from my lens. I met the happiest people I’d ever known. I was put in direct contact with injustices that still bother me. I saw the disempowering impact that the development NGOs were having and I quietly, humbly decided to focus on making the world a better place by working in my own back-yard.
I was an outdoor guide at Outward Bound
I worked for a decade for Outward Bound leading wildnerness adventures across Canada. Sea-kayaking, white-water canoe trips, rock-climbing, hiking in the mountains, dog-sledding. I learned a lot about how to lead groups from my many years, and many intense experiences in that work. It is a treasured time of my life.
“Be tough, yet gentle. Humble, yet bold. Swayed always by beauty and truth.” -Kurt Hahn, Founder of Outward Bound.
I was a struggling artist.
I attempted to make a living as an artist for a few years. I paint high-vibrance watercolour paintings. Mostly landscapes. I spent 4 months preparing for one big art show in Vancouver. I invested so much money in frames and so much time in painting. I didn’t sell anything. It was humiliating. I was so broken. At that art show a woman with a booth near to me took my business card and not long after introduced me to Rhonda…who became my best coaching client and then an important coach, who was part of my business. Life has its mystical way of steering us.
I sold hoodies.
Around the time of being the struggling artist, I worked at Lululemon Yoga Apparel selling hoodies. It was a low-point of my life. I was used to being a high-achiever. I thought that if you were smart and worked hard, things would turn-out well for you. But that’s when I learned that there is no ‘entitlement’ to success in business. You could work really hard, invest your money and still end up selling hoodies for $8/hour. At that job I learned that I have no place having a job.
I became a coach after extensive study at the Hendricks Institute
I apprenticed for 2 years with Drs. Gay and Katie Hendricks…the authors of “Lasting Love”, “The Big Leap” and “Conscious Living”. With them, I became a certified Body-Mind Vibrance Coach and a Relationship Coach. Their work has influenced me strongly and still forms the foundation of the way I work with clients.
I built a six-figure business.
I built a six-figure business in a few years. My desperation and feelings of humiliation at sucking so bad at starting my art and coaching businesses lead me straight into the hands of my business mentors, Justin Livingston and Callan Rush, who I met in the early years of their business. I followed their guidance and built my business leading workshops and programs.
I learned the ins and outs of marketing and sales. I did speaking tours. I trained coaches. I sold tens of thousands of dollars in tuitions to dozens of people. At one of my events, I sold $48,000 in tuitions at a workshop with 18 people. It was a game-changing moment. I was making more in 24 hours than most of my friend made in a year. Eventually, I became a speaker at Justin and Callan’s 5-day selling-from-the-stage event.
I had a sexual awakening.
Around my fifth year in business, I started to feel discontent and burnt-out. I was bored. I was dissatisfied. I won’t go into the details, but through a series of events involving being introduced to a system called “Human Design” and a catalytic man, all of a sudden I was wildly turned on and dealing with way more sexual energy than I had been accustomed to. This experience cleared the pipes and initiated a several year process of de-conditioning.
I dismantled a six-figure business.
I wish I could say that it was easy to dismantle my business and that it took far less time to destroy it than it did to build it. But that’s not true. It’s amazing how fixed structures are on the energetic level once you’ve put them in place with great intent. The feelings of desperation, insecurity and humiliation that had lead me into building my business were still waiting for me when I was ready to look at them. Dismantling my business was an inner journey to the depths of my pain and identity-level constructs. It has been so rich and freeing to release them.
I’m so happy to live in mexico.
Part of the dismantling process involved leaving my relationship, selling almost all of my belongings and moving to Mexico. These days I live on an epic wild beach in a small Surf town filled with friends and community. There I live with my joyous Mexican partner, Rolando. I teach yoga and salsa, dance on the beach, spend as much time as possible kissing and cuddling and I work on the internet. I love Mexico for so many reasons. It’s home.
I am re-building my business as a “Palace for giving”
I am now in the process of re-building my business from the ground-up, without the energies of humiliation and desperations built-in.
I offer several free courses on my website.
You can read more about why I am choosing a generosity-based business here.
Overall, my main aim is to help the type A people I work with to get out of the way and let life flow through them, and to use them as an instrument of the divine. At our best, I believe we are hollow bones:
The Hollow Bone
In my dream
God asked me to become an empty vessel.
To drain my ship of my remaining content, drop by drop
until I am dry and hollow.
Cleared of substance.
A space framed.
In my dream
the Lovely One asked that I give up everything
to become nothing
“And wait there
until further notice.”
When I woke I felt the truth of your request.
To wait is the only way through
The only way beyond.
And so I stand
wading in the unknown
thigh deep in presence
Living a prayer
Here’s a picture of rolando and I.
Rolando and I are like joyous children being silly, playful and irresponsible as much as possible. We also have conflict and are good at communicating and making agreements that bring harmony to our relationship. We do that because we treasure our love. Rolando has two beautiful daughters. We have a cat , Gatito, and a dog, Frijol.